Tuesday, January 04, 2005
on picking scabsi hate picking at scabs. it's like.. you know that it's bad for you, that you dont really want to reopen the wound thats almost about to heal, yet you still do it anyway. maybe it's the moment of rashness that tempts you to make that single act of scratching it open again; maybe it's a form of masochism that makes you wanna relive the pain you once felt; or maybe, seeing that wound again brings out old emotions of familiarity and comfort that you just dont want to let go.
whatever the reason, picking at scabs always leave me with the horrible guilt and anger at myself for succumbing to
that moment of weakness and folly.. and i know that it'll take more time for that wound to close up and heal by itself again.
reopening old wounds seems to be a weakness i occasionally indulge in: the moment where i just pick up the phone, dial that once-familiar number and hear that once-familiar voice over the phone. simply hearing his voice, his singing, talking about inane things and laughing at silly jokes makes all the old memories flood back all at once and a single thought came into my mind:
"i miss you". and what hurts the most is
knowing that i'll never have those moments with you ever again. dont know. still remember rugby finals 2004, the bananas, the 'inspirational quotes', screaming my head off for you, supporting you and praying that you'll win. and when the ball hobbled over the bar i was so happy for you. searching for you in the crowds and finally seeing your shadow. running over to you and hugging you and you kissed me in front of your junior and proudly showed me your trophy with that big bright boyish grin of yours. and you told me that the only person that you wanted to celebrate with was
me. right then.
my heart just melted and i was yours. but now.. these memories will just be memories and they will fade. i always tell myself to be strong and not cry.. but after all this time you're the only one who can reduce me to tears. maybe i should just let the wound heal for good. and spare myself the guilt of beating myself up every time i call you.
"
dont touch it, let the scab form and leave it alone. time heals everything."
mengxin made it known at 1/04/2005 05:47:00 AM
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